Today was the last day of my first week of classes this semester, and I have fully adjusted. My schedule this semester fortunately leaves me with lots of time to unwind in the evenings, which I am unbelievably grateful for.
All this available late afternoon time has given me a chance to practice even MORE introspective thinking, if you can even fathom. This week, I’ve been pondering especially hard on the kind of person I was at 16. To be quite honest, I was pathetic. My hair was bright pink for a summer after I had bleached it four times in two weeks. About a month into junior year, I covered it with black box dye and spent 30 minutes scrubbing my carpet trying to get the stains from it out. I couldn’t pass a physics quiz if my life depended on it. I was on the verge of failing my trigonometry class, so I got a tutor to help me study before a test; I ended up scoring my lowest test grade ever after our singular tutoring session. I’ll never be able to fully explain how being 16 felt to me. I genuinely believed that my life was falling apart. Everyday felt like a chore, and I had absolutely no plans for where I wanted to be in the next month, much less after high school.
And now I’m here. In my college dorm room, writing to publish on the internet. I’m pursuing dreams I didn’t even know I had. I have friends, and I am loved, and my bed is warm. I’ve been feeling exceptionally grateful these past few months. I am so lucky! Every morning, when I wake up, I spend about 5 minutes just looking out at the sun from my window. I try to write down at least five things I’m grateful for every night.
When I think about being 16, I remember actively seeking out misery. Now, trust and believe, the circumstances at the time were both terrible and unavoidable, but I will also acknowledge that at some moments, I did not try to make it better for myself. I truly do understand the comforting aspect to rotting in sadness for hours. When I feel sad or scared now, I embrace it, and then figure out what I can do to feel better. This probably sounds so corny, but life really does get brighter when you give it a chance.
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