To understand how being 16 changed the trajectory of my life, we must start in April of 2020. It was the tail end of sophomore year and the peak of the Covid-19 lock down. I would spend my days in virtual learning, struggling through Chemistry and trying to finish a semester long art project. My evenings would include various FaceTime sessions with my friends where we played Fortnight and watched horror movies.
For the sake of a descriptive narrative, I will mention that during these “virtual hangouts,” I had met a boy I actually really liked. This man is so unimportant to me now that it’s almost comical, but at the time, I genuinely believed that he was the smartest, kindest, sweetest man New York City had to offer.
Of course, as most things do when you’re 16, that situation fell apart. Unfortunately for me, this wasn’t the only part of my life that crumbled to bits seemingly overnight. The summer consisted of the Black Lives Matter protest, and for the first time for much of my generation, we were forced to confront the reality of racism that I knew all too well. In fall, I started junior year and returned to a hybrid version of school that not only fractured my friend group, but also had a sterile environment that made me spiral for the rest of the school year. In November, the 2020 election gave me a week’s worth of anxiety that could only be resolved via a nap; in January of 2021, I woke up from one of those anxiety solving naps to find that the Capitol building was being stormed.
By the time my 17th birthday rolled around, I had been feeling emotionally destitute. My grades were suffering, and I had no clue where I would be or how I would feel by the time graduation came a year later.
I turned 18 and was forced to deal with the fallout of all that went wrong when I was 16, as well as a plethora of other issues. For the first time in my life, I understood that if you are pessimistic about the present, you won’t be able to plan towards the inevitable future. I felt a tremendous amount of regret and guilt about how I allowed my life to unfold just two years prior. There were so many things I could’ve done that would change the reality of where I am today, and at 18, I couldn’t help but blame myself for things not turning out the way I wanted.
My 21st birthday is less than six months away, and I’d like to believe I’m a bit wiser today. I’ve always been the kind of person that hyper fixates on every awkward moment of my life, ruminating on it until I’m filled with shame. In an effort to really transition into adulthood, I’ve been trying to resolve this habit by reminding myself that no one cares about any social awkward moment I’ve had more than me. This affirmation transcends just feeling embarrassment; every time I’ve felt like a failure or a social outcast, it was entirely in my head.
It’s easy to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life, but it’s even easier to blame no one. Sometimes, life just doesn’t turn out the way we planned, and that is not the end of the world. By blaming yourself, you end up in a deeper hole of pessimism that can very quickly consume you. Everyday is a new day, a new opportunity to feel good about yourself. Seize it!
Lots of love as always,
malaika <3
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