loss

My childhood is intrinsically tied to One Direction. When I was 7, I had a toothbrush that played “One Thing” for two minutes, teaching me oral hygiene while I still had almost all of my baby teeth. I vividly remember visiting my aunt in Florida one summer and begging her to allow me to use her iPad so I could watch the “Best Song Ever” music video when it premiered. I had One Direction binders that were gifted to me by a teacher who found them hidden away in the supply closet and instantly knew I would appreciate them. One Direction was the reason I got on social media. My first Spotify playlist was dedicated to my favorite songs of theirs. I am not exaggerating when I say there is no Malaika Brown without One Direction.

It still doesn’t feel real. I’ve spent the past couple of days hysterically sobbing. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve been feeling like I’m in a weird space with growing older. I’ve been feeling the pressures of adulthood and grappling with the fact that I am now older than any of the members were when I first became obsessed. The world just feels like so much, and I’ve been struggling to accept the fact that I really am a young adult facing real adult responsibilities.

I always imagined that one day, when I’m in my 30s or 40s, there’d be a reunion tour with all five members, and I’d get to reminisce on what it was like to be a preteen girl in the early 2010s. I always thought that I would play “Act My Age” while driving my kids to school, and they’d be so confused about why I was so obsessed with some band from ages ago. 

This death isn’t something I’ve been grieving as a 20 year old. I just can’t help but think of the little girl who would sometimes brush her teeth for four minutes just to hear the same verse of “One Thing” on repeat. When I felt the most alone, the most insecure, the most uncertain, I would listen to One Direction. Recently, even before Liam’s passing, I’ve been listening to Four on repeat as reassurance in the confusing time that is entering your 20s. One Direction has always been a symbol of comfort to me, and for one of the members to be dead is such a loss to my girlhood. 

There is much to be said about Liam Payne. I fully support his ex-fiance who has been telling her story about the abuse she suffered at his hands. I wanted him to be held accountable; I didn’t want him to die. One Direction was fundamental to my personal development, and he was in the band. I am still at a loss for words, and I don’t think I’ll really ever find them. 

Life is crazy and complicated and unpredictable and uncomfortable, but it is also joyful and beautiful and so, so full of love. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Reach out to the person you might be missing, and hug the Directioners in your life a little tighter today. I love each and every single one of you, and I need you to know that.