restlessness

I have always been incredibly restless. As a child, I would fight sleep out of a desire to constantly be a part of the world. As I got older, this restlessness became a symptom of my inability to turn my brain off. Always spiraling, always philosophizing, always wondering about where my future might take me. Last semester, I finally added melatonin to the foray; for the first time in my life, I actually looked forward to getting into bed because I knew I would be able to fall asleep without inhibition.

Since then, I have run dry of my melatonin gummies, restlessness has found me again, and unfortunately, it now encompasses my life beyond my sleep routine. This entire summer, I have found myself anxious, angsty, aloof. I constantly want to go out and try new things, but I’ve quickly realized the reality of what it means to be a well-adjusted adult prohibits this. This simple fact upsets me even more, and I’ve ended up in a nightmarish cycle of worrying all night and sleeping all day.

As children, we are told we can follow our dreams and accomplish anything we put our mind to. Why, then, are we expected to restrict ourselves to one dream, one goal, one career? I’m not going to go on a tangent about higher level education, but my senior year of high school was an incredible reckoning for me. My classmates and I were all putting forward our college lists and potential majors, and I felt like I missed the memo that said what I needed to choose to spend the rest of my life on. Why have I been forced to impede on my own wishes and desires? 

As perhaps one of the most indecisive people who is alive right now, I have spent the last two years in absolute misery. I refuse to accept a life where I cannot be absolutely everything. I want to travel, meet new people, and write about their stories. I want to critique fashion weeks. I want to be a professional party planner. I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to host a daytime talk show. I want to be a club DJ. I want all of these things and more, and I will not know peace until I have it all.